16 Feb Truly One
INTRODUCTION
The question couples should ask themselves is “Are we Inmates or Intimates?” That is a question that requires an honest answer.
Apart from knowing God, marriage is the most significant relationship we can experience. But never has the institution of marriage been more threatened by external and internal problems than it is today.
It is challenged externally by a society, which promotes an independent spirit, minimizes the responsibility of complete commitment, and offers divorce as an increasingly common and acceptable option (a way out).
It is challenged from within by manipulation, un-forgiveness, and a lack of communication. As children of God, we need not settle for lacklustre (dull
and uninspiring) relationships where couples feel more like inmates than intimates.
When we believe and obey God’s precepts and principles, our marriages can become increasingly fulfilling and meaningful as the years go by.
In this conference, we will look at these scriptural principles to see how we can enrich our lives through marital relationships that are characterised by intimacy, commitment and communion.
Whatever stage your marriage is today, it can only get better as we stay open to the Lord and apply the principles he has provided in His holy book.
You are welcome
Femi & Jumoke Popoola
Purpose of Marriage
According to Scripture, marriage was not invented by man, but instituted by God. It was divinely designed not only to be the basic building block of society, but also to provide an earthly inference/example of spiritual truth.
Marriage is a lifetime covenant of mutual commitment between a man and a woman that leads to oneness on every level: spirit, soul, and body. This communion and intimacy between married couples is designed to reflect the image of God and provide the context for a lasting relationship of love and respect. (This is the reason why the devil is interested in your marriage. The reason is because he cannot touch God, but he can touch God by hurting, damaging what touches God. What is that? Your Marriage. We realise that not all marital problems are physical or psychological. Many are SPIRITUAL. So we will be ending each session with prayers)
No one plans to have a boring, unsatisfactory or failed marriage, but without the right objectives, a couple will gradually drift into one. Then start living together like inmates.
If we want the joy of a marriage that grows into an incarnation of God’s design, we must set goals that are consistent with God’s purpose for marriage and implement these goals by walking in the power of the Spirit and not in the flesh.
It is the Lord who created the masculine and the feminine and endowed them with different characteristics so that each expresses something different about God.
Therefore it is expected that In a healthy marriage, these personality differences must be acknowledged and accepted. Though There are exceptions, but the male is more likely to be realistic, logical, and holistic in his thinking, while the female is more likely to be idealistic, intuitive, and
detailed in her thinking.
But once we recognise and accept the strengths in our difference we begin to appreciate one another. In general, men are more conscious of a need for
achievement and significance, while women desire affection and security.
When both partners accept these differences, they become complimentary rather than competitive.
3 IMPORTANT PRINCPLES
PRINCIPLE 1:
The image of God is best expressed in the combination of male and female.
Genesis 1:26-27 states that male and female are created in the image of God. What do you think this means?
Participants to speak
Gen.1.26-27
26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
How does this affect your sense of self-worth? (Read Ps. 139: 13-16.)
Ps.139.13-16
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Accepting yourself sets you free to accept your partner. What truth in Genesis 1:27 helps you in the acceptance of your mate? (See also 1 Pet. 3:7.)
1Pet.3.7
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
PRINCIPLE 2:
The God-designed difference between male and female are to be accepted as complementary, not competitive. Verse 18 says, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man (husband) to be alone; I will make him a helper
(wife) suitable for him.'” The concept of “a helper suitable for him” (vss.18, 20) speaks of a supportive relationship between allies and in no way implies that one is inferior to another.
PRINCIPLE 3:
Marriage is to be a relationship of companionship, completion, and communion. Gen.2.24
Gen.2.24
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
This introduces the:
THE PORTRAIT OF ONENESS
For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, (LEAVE) (COMMITMENT) and shall cleave to his wife; (CLEAVE) (COMPLETION)
and they shall become one flesh. (ONE FLESH) (COMPANIONSHIP)
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed
(Gen. 2:24-25).
Gen.2.24-25
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
These verses give us the clearest and most concise portrait of marriage ever presented. The three elements of leaving, cleaving, and establishing a one-flesh relationship are prerequisites to a healthy marital relationship of commitment, completeness, and companionship.
LEAVE (COMMITMENT)
Leaving must precede cleaving – marriage requires the forsaking of other relationships so that the husband and wife can be fully committed to each other. When a man and a woman leave home to start a new family unit, they
are no longer under the authority of their parents, but are now directly responsible to God and to each other. They are to be independent of their parents in a geographical, emotional, and financial sense, and no other
relationship should be allowed to come between them or take priority over your spouse. Independence, however, is not the same as avoidance.
Scripture requires them to continue to love and honour their parents and to assist them in times of need.
CLEAVE (COMPLETION)
The marital vows that are expressed in the presence of witnesses establish a permanent covenant in which a man and a woman acknowledge that they are inseparably joined together.
The word used in God’s mandate for a man to “cleave to his wife” entails the idea of holding fast, of clinging, and of being glued or welded together.
There are many external and internal forces that would threaten to sever this bond, but a Christian couple makes a solemn vow to cling together through troubled as well as calm waters.
As they renew this vow, implement the principles of Scripture, and depend on God’s grace, their relationship can continue to grow in spite of contrary circumstances.
Cleaving also means that the relationship between a husband and wife is to be second only to their relationship with the Lord. Their marriage is to have priority over everything else, including children, career, hobbies, friends, and ministry.
ONE FLESH (COMPANIONSHIP)
“They shall become one flesh” is the mystery of marriage. While this phrase implies sexual relationship, it goes beyond this, saying that a man and wife actually become one (note that it is a process).
Dramatise: Many weddings, very few marriages
Gap
The two complete each other physically, psychologically, and spiritually, and this completeness is used in the New Testament to portray an even deeper mystery:
For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32)
We will also touch on
The sexual union (which) was designed by God to be a delightful physical expression of a committed love relationship, and this relationship was in turn designed to portray the spiritual relationship between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church.
Oneness of Sprit, Soul and Body must be ensured. We will look into this in details later when we examine factors that mind and close gaps.
MIND THE GAP
Gaps develop in marriages, but the truth is there are gaps already from day the wedding day. Identifying and closing these gaps take honesty, willingness and maturity. Both partners must change But before we look at specific issues, lets lay down some PRINCIPLES
When marital problems prevail, they inevitably arise from a failure to leave, failure to cleave, or a failure to establish a one-flesh relationship
Challenges To Oneness
We live in a culture that has succumbed to the process of secularization and reflects materialistic values on every level. Though we are supposed to love people and use things, more and more of us use people (what they can do for us or what we can get from them) and love things (computer, laptop, games, sports).
(No one will think of going back to the days before internet, Whatsapp, and only one TV in the house. But the truth is all these gadgets have reduced communication.
CHECKED YOUR WHATSAPP, phone while someone is talking with you)
Communication and creative participation in the home have been on the decline for years. As marital and parental bonds grow weaker, separation
and divorce become more common. These and other cultural influences challenge the viability of quality marriages and affect us all. In such a relativistic society, we need more than ever to be grounded in an absolute frame of reference.
Relativistic society holds the view that all beliefs, customs, and ethics are relative to the individual within his own social context. In other words, “right” and “wrong” are culture-specific; what is considered moral in one society may be considered immoral in another, and, since no universal standard of morality exists, no one has the right to judge another society’s customs.
If we do not daily renew our minds by the truths of the Word in this and in other areas of life, we will unavoidably slip into the mind-set of our surrounding culture and our marriages will be severely threatened.
Many Christians have already absorbed the prevailing attitude that divorce is a live option. When two people enter into a marriage thinking that they can always opt out when times get rough, the possibility of divorce is greatly enhanced.
The Bible is clear that marriage is to be permanent
(“‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel;” Mal. 2:16).
Separation and divorce are contrary to the purposes for which God instituted marriage.
When Jesus was tested by the Pharisees in this area, He went back to God’s original design for marriage, quoting Genesis 1:27 and 2:24 and concluding, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt.
19:6; Mark 10:9).
Matt.19.3-6
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’
5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Dramatise
3 couples
Wedding Married Divorce
When a man and a woman marry, God yokes them in an indissoluble union. It is therefore dishonouring to God to even consider divorce as an escape hatch, because this distorts the spiritual reality of marriage and creates a
breach in commitment that can widen under pressure.
As Christians, we are to pursue a higher standard than that of the prevailing culture. God’s pattern and purpose for marriage is constantly threatened by internal forces of selfishness and external forces of society.
God deals with us in the present; if in the past you have made mistakes that have lead to separation or divorce, you can claim His forgiveness in the present and be relieved from any burden of guilt. Like Paul, you can forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead (Phil. 3:13)
If in the present you are suffering from an unhappy marriage, you can prayerfully apply biblical principles and maintain your commitment by God’s power regardless of the response of your mate. If for the sake of Christ you have been called to endure hardship, God’s grace will be sufficient for you as you honour Him Can get the scriptures projected and ask Participants to
explain in light of our discussion OR how will they use this scripture to counsel someone who is thinking of getting married
(See Rom. 8:18; 2 Cor. 4:17; 12:9; Phil. 4:13; 1 Pet. 2:19-21; 3:1).
Rom.8.18
18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2Cor.4.17
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2Cor.12.19-21
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Phil.4.13
13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
1Pet.2.19-21
19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God.
20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.
21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.
1Pet.3.1
1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
Internal and External Forces
But we will look at the role of Communication as an important tool in building intimacy in the marriage relationship.
CLOSE THE GAP
Communication in Marriage Studies consistently reveal that the primary cause of marital problems and divorces is a lack of communication. Eph.4.29, Col.4.6, 1Cor.15.33, Matt.12.34
Eph.4.29
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Col.4.6
6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
1Cor.15.33
33 Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”
Matt.12.34
34 Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Communication is the process of sharing thoughts and feelings, through verbal and non-verbal means, with another person so that he or she understands what you are attempting to express. Communication is a two way process where the speaker says something and the listener receives something. However, effective communication ensures that the recipient gets just the message that the sender intends to give.
Effective communication does not happen by accident; it is a skill, which requires the discipline of development. There are three essential components of the communication process: talking, listening, and caring.
TALKING
The most obvious aspect of communication is verbalizing. Scripture exhorts us to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), and this requires a mutual attitude of openness and honesty.
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For love to grow in a marriage there must be regular times of interaction and comradeship. At some point in each day, both partners should make an effort to move beyond the level of routine conversation to verbalize hopes, disappointments, joys, fears, prayer requests and answers, plans, ideas, and interests. As a couple talks things over, confides in each other, and spends time together, they become better and better friends.
Gen.1.25
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
TIP
Trust
Interest
Never use against him/her NEVER public or Private
Your mate should be your best friend. Tragically, this rarely occurs in marriage. Too often, couples get so wrapped up with their children that they hardly know each other. Then when the children leave, they discover that they are like strangers who have been living for years under the
same roof. This does not need to happen, but effort is required to avoid it.
Friendships are cultivated by shared thoughts, feelings, and experiences
What if the other partner is not a good communicator? Use open-ended questions beginning with words like what, when how & why? closed ended questions kills the conversation.
Instead: Did you like the film? What do you like about the film?
Instead: Do you like my friend? What do you like about my friend?
LISTENING
Listening is the biggest problem in effective communication. Most of us have developed poor listening habits, and this is especially true in the way we listen to our mates. Because we think we know our partners so well, we often
tune them out and miss what they are really trying to say.
In Communication: when one person talks to another, there are actually six messages that can be communicated:
What you mean to say. What you actually say. What the other person hears.
What the other person thinks he hears. What the other person says about what you said. What you think the other person said about what you said.
You communicate effectively when one is not clear about what is being said.
“Say what you mean and mean what you say” otherwise it is easy for the listener to incorrectly perceive, interpret, evaluate, and respond to an (unclear) message.
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